Around two decades ago, if you asked any person what their biggest plans in life were, you’d surely get “getting married” and “having kids” as two of the most common answers. Who could blame them? Society has dictated that you can only be truly “happy” and “successful” if you are married and have kids. Well, at least based on what society imagines as the standard, that is.
I’m sure many of you dreaded attending family events during holidays because you had to answer endless insensitive questions from prying, tactless, and “affluent” church-going titos and titas:
If you have not yet introduced a partner to your family: Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend/girlfriend?
When you finally introduce your significant other: Kelan ka ba mag-aasawa?
When you finally get married: Kelan ba kayo mag-aanak?
When you finally have kids: Kelan nyo ba susundan?
When you finally have a second child: Bakit hindi nyo pa dagdagan? Or Gawa pa kayo ng lalake/babae
They seem to have assumed the responsibility of keeping track of your life’s milestones. And when you fail to tick any of those life events within their self-proclaimed timeframe, you’d be met by endless questions of “Bakit??” “Why??” or “Ano pa bang inaantay n’yo?!”
This is the ultimate test of patience; how not to answer back in an agitated tone lest you be further judged as “bastos” and “walang modo” for disrespecting your older relatives.
As a couple who’s had a hard time conceiving, the hardest question for us to answer, obviously, is “Kelan ba kayo mag-aanak?” simply because it’s beyond anyone’s control.
It’s easier for a lot of people to conceive, but let’s not discount the fact that 10% of Filipinos still have a hard time conceiving. This is an overwhelming 11.4 million Filipinos (translating to 5.7 million couples) who need fertility intervention, according to the Philippine Society for Reproductive Medicine.
This brings me to a different yet still related story.
More than a decade ago, my college friend also got married around the time my wife and I tied the knot. Since we were close, I asked her when they planned to have a baby. She answered that she didn’t want to have any children.
Naturally, I was a bit surprised when I got that reply because that wasn’t what was expected of married couples during our time. Nevertheless, I knew my friend perfectly well, and I was aware that her choices were mostly unconventional.
She wasn’t built to be a mom, and she was afraid she might end up neglecting her child’s needs (physically & emotionally) in case she had one in the future. She still wanted her dogs, but that was just about it.
Fast forward to about four years ago, I had two colleagues who got married. When I asked them about their plan to have kids, they both said no. They don’t feel they are emotionally capable of taking care of and raising human beings. I’ve also heard this same sentiment from some of my other younger officemates. They, too, said having kids is their least priority.
Unlike the conversation with my friend, I wasn’t as shocked by my colleagues’ replies. They were younger millennials, and they knew exactly what they wanted. Best of all, they refused to give in to what society dictated.
I also agreed with my colleagues because their decisions made perfect sense: since they knew they were not capable of raising kids, why bring them out into this world? They’re essentially sparing them from suffering due to lack of care and attention.
No child should suffer in this world; that’s why my opinion is that one should not bear children if they are not yet ready financially and emotionally. Or not reproduce at all if they don’t want kids in the first place.
Society should stop romanticizing the Pinoy mindset that children are “blessings” when some parents can’t even spare a few minutes (and a few pesos) to change their sagging and brimming diapers.
Can you still call it a blessing when some kids go to bed with growling stomachs or who may not even feel the warmth of a parent’s embrace since they are out on the streets begging for a few pesos to feed several hungry mouths?
Can you still consider it a blessing if you were unable to teach a child the ways of the world, so that they grew up being irresponsible individuals who are a nuisance to the people around them?
It’s our responsibility to provide our children’s basic needs and ensure that they grow up ready for the world. We should not burden other people with the responsibility of raising our own children.
But who will take care of me when I grow old?
Our children are not our investments or cash cows. I hope we can also break this Pinoy mentality. Let our children fly and live their lives. Let them explore the world, enjoy their money, and have the best journey in this world.
We shouldn’t put the burden on them to be our caregivers in the future. If they want to do it voluntarily to be with us during our twilight years, then let’s welcome it.
For parents, it’s our duty to save up for our own retirement and eventual departure from this world; be it setting up a support system (paid, of course) to care for us until the end of our days.
Don’t get me wrong. We all have the right to have an offspring. However, people should know that that right also comes with responsibility. Would-be parents should realize what’s in store for them once they decide to have kids. It’s not an easy feat, especially in this country where government support and access to basic services are severely lacking.
This is where the importance of family planning becomes more apparent. Correct family planning would allow us to provide our children with the basic needs. Unfortunately, for other couples, it’s just another requirement to tick off from their pre-wedding checklist.
I wanted to have a better grasp of the number of couples opting to go childless, so I did a quick internet search. I found an article published by GMA News (“DINKs are on the rise: 3 Filipino couples share reasons for choosing the child-free life”), which revealed that 59% of single Filipinos are considering a child-free lifestyle (with more women favoring a DINK lifestyle) based on a 2023 survey conducted by online dating app Bumble through Milieu Insights Pte Ltd.
The majority of the reasons given were that they “value the freedom to travel and pursue hobbies” without childcare constraints, and that they prioritize “career advancement and personal goals.”
Kudos to those people who refuse to be confined by Pinoy society’s peculiar standards regarding having kids. Indeed, if couples are not ready to have children, it’s the innocent ones who would suffer and carry trauma.
I really despise the selfishness of people who bring babies into this world, only to eventually neglect them and let them fend for themselves in the future. Meanwhile, other parents would shamelessly pass the responsibility of taking care of their children to their relatives (like grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.).
Going back to the usual holiday conversations with our titos and titas, I think the better question from them should be “How ready are you for parenthood?” or “Kaya n’yo na ba talaga mag-anak?” because it calls forth accountability and responsible parenthood instead of “Kelan ba kayo mag-aanak?”
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By the way, I’m selling a Filipino e-storybook entitled “Ang Batang Nakipagkaibigan sa mga Alitaptap.” I think this is a good book to add to your reading exercises or nightly bedtime stories.
As someone who is not open having my own children in my future, i felt validated by your post🌻 maraming salamat po for this💛
i am crying reading this. this feels like everything that i wanted to hear from my own parents. it feels validating to see this sentiment from an older generation and it feels comforting to know that there are parents out there who feel this way. thank you!